You Never Have to be Tough: Management Rule #4

Actions to Take: Remove any trace of your own negative emotion from interactions with subordinates. If you are having emotions you cannot sublimate, delay the conversation. Prepare for hard conversations in advance. Practice what you plan to say and how you plan to say it. 

When I discuss respect in my first orientation meeting with a new employee (stay tuned for blog entries on orientation meetings!), one of the things in my script is, “There is never a place for yelling, or threats, or using power with the goal of invoking fear. Speaking in anger to someone is never acceptable.”  

How many of us can clear that bar, never speaking in anger in the workplace? It was very difficult for me early on in my management career. Something would happen that I disagree with, or an employee would make the same mistake over and over. I would get frustrated that things weren’t the way they should be. Does that sound familiar to anyone reading? Consciously or not, I sometimes used that emotion as a tool. It can be extremely effective to wield a little bit of anger, frustration, or even just annoyance to get your point across.  

You don’t learn until later that you are being extremely effective, but you are having the wrong effect. Study after study has shown that fear leads to avoidance behaviors, not corrective behaviors. You are teaching people 1) not to get caught and 2) not to work with you. 

You might be thinking, “What’s this about fear? I’m not a scary person. Even if I’m a little upset, there’s nothing scary about me!” Bosses are not people. Don’t get me wrong, you are a person. However, your employees don’t think of you as “you.” When they introduce you to someone, they will say “This is Ben, my manager” not, “this is Ben, nice guy” or “this is Ben, human being.” For them, you are the boss first, a person second. 

When I tell you to erase negative emotion from your interactions, I am asking you to do something that is unnatural. When you’re talking about grim, serious things, it is natural to communicate that grimness and seriousness in your tone and demeanor. When you’re talking about something that frustrates you, it is natural to sound frustrated. You might even think that you need to keep that emotion in your voice in order to communicate the negative impact of their actions. 

As a manager, you don’t get the luxury of acting naturally in these situations. When you are dealing with people who are subordinate to you, body language and tone of voice have 1,000 times the weight that you think they have. Even though we all have bosses, even though we’ve been on the other side of the desk, we still never really get it. You cannot overestimate how much of an impact a “tough” attitude will have on a subordinate. If you think you are lightly tapping your employee with a little frustration, they will feel a hammer blow of anger knocking them off their feet. 

When your body language and tone are anything less than relaxed and light-hearted, staff will be focused on your mood instead of your words. If it’s serious enough of a problem, they won’t hear the details. Their blood pressure will rise, their hearts will beat in their ears. All they will think is, “The boss is mad. I messed up. I made the boss mad.” They are not going to accurately gauge the extent of the problem. They are not going to focus on solutions to the problem. They are not going to be thinking of questions to ask you that might help fix the problem. They will go into fight or flight, and you will either end up with a very short meeting that feels somehow incomplete or a very long argument. 

There are managers who defend the tough guy approach, claiming that it is exactly what they want. They will smugly say, “you better believe I didn’t hear about any more problems again.” Well, they are right about one thing, they didn’t hear about any more problems. Fear makes people hide things. It doesn’t make them correct things. And it certainly doesn’t make people want to come to you for help in fixing the thing.  

To be clear, I am not telling you to laugh when you are giving someone a formal performance reprimand. That would be emotionally tone-deaf. We are not trying to baffle our subordinates by having an attitude that is totally jarring to the topic matter. We are trying minimize the impact of our emotional state in the discussion. When you’re talking about an issue, you want your direct reports to be thinking about the issue, not about your mood.  

Therefore, you deliver negative or difficult information the same way you deliver any benign information. Use a tone and body language that is similar to average, every day tone and body language. For most people, that’s mostly-neutral-leaning-to-light-hearted. Stay relaxed, stay positive, and do everything you can to keep your mood off their radar. You will get a more productive and more honest conversation. 

How do we manage to do that? It is not as though we can flip a switch that shuts off our negative thoughts. Just the opposite—negative thoughts tend to be intrusive, repeating themselves in our minds whether we want them or not. Here are a few suggestions:

• Remind yourself of Management Rule #1. Assume Positive Intent. It can be extremely powerful to convince yourself that, whatever actually happened, your employee (or whoever) meant well. 
• Remind yourself of their good work. If you are about to have a difficult conversation with your employee, odds are it is about a performance issue. It can be easy to get tunnel vision about it. Before the meeting, step back and think through their positive attributes. What great qualities do they have? What aspects of their work do you appreciate? What things about them as a person are good and likeable?  
• Practice what you’ll say. I encourage managers to literally script out their most difficult conversations. And why not? We script out presentations. We plan staff meetings. We craft and re-craft emails to roll out new procedures. These conversations are more important and have more long-term impact on your effectiveness than any of those. Give them more thought and energy than your other work, not less. 
• Practice how you’ll say it. Unlike a staff meeting or project rollout, you likely have some emotions about this topic. You need to take the extra step of considering how you will say the things you need to say. Record yourself in a dry run and listen back. It is not hard—we all have smartphones or a computer. I especially encourage you try recording yourself when you get that first impulse to address some issue or frustration. It will take exactly one listen to realize just how much emotion is leaking out. 

Try these things. Manage your emotions, and I guarantee you will get better results and a more positive work environment out of your team. Remember, better bosses never have to be tough. 

The Things I Want from My Boss are the Things My Employees Want from Me: Management Rule #3

Actions to Take: Routinely review your work in this context. Take extra time plan your approach for tough situations. Do not reduce the golden rule to simply “be nice.” 

I won’t be saying anything groundbreaking in this post. “The things I want from my boss are the things my employees want from me.” That is just the golden rule, rephrased for management. So how did it land on a very short list of managerial rules? 

This is one of my managerial rules because it is such an obviously good thing, yet it is not obvious how to put it into practice. We learn about the golden rule in kindergarten (in the United States, at least). Yet most people have an incredibly difficult time adhering to such a simple idea. It is not automatic to treat people the way you would like to be treated. We will send an email about that tricky disagreement instead of speaking to someone directly. We will doggedly adhere to written procedures, saying that our hands are tied. We will brush off problematic behaviors instead of giving feedback. We do these things even though we would want a chance to speak face-to-face, we would want flexibility on the rules, and we would want to know if we are messing up. The golden rule isn’t natural. 

Applying this rule to your work leads to some unintuitive results. For instance, most bosses think “I’ll jump in and help with the work” when employees are having a tough time. Examine that behavior for a moment. Let’s say you are struggling to manage a difficult employee. What do you want from your boss? Do you want them to literally take over the supervision of that employee? Maybe that sounds attractive in the moment. When you think through the implications, though, it is a terrible way to go. That problem employee will see you as incapable; you will not learn anything new; and your boss will have to take on your work, which is not a good look. 

We really want assistance in fixing the underlying problem, not help putting out the fire that is already there. You want support and coaching to manage that problem employee effectively on your own. By the same token, your employees don’t really want your direct assistance when things are tough. They don’t want you taking over their jobs. They want you to find ways to make their work better, more effective, so they can do the work themselves. Yes, you may need to lend a hand to get through a spike in work, but your main focus should be improving things to prevent those spikes in the first place. 

Well-meaning parents and kindergarten teachers sometimes fail us when teaching the golden rule. It is often reduced to a lesson about not hitting or saying mean things, effectively becoming a replacement for “be nice.” Do not fall into this trap as a manager. If your only goal is “be nice,” you will fail in your responsibilities to your employees. Respecting others is of utmost importance in the workplace. “Respect” also mistakenly becomes a synonym for “be nice.” If you respect someone, then you respect their professionalism enough to give them tough news. You respect their abilities enough not to take over their work. You respect their maturity enough to be honest with them.

Bosses need help treating their employees the way they want to be treated. Here are some specific actions you can take to be a little bit better at applying this managerial rule:

• Routinely schedule time to review individual aspects of your job in the context of the golden rule. Ask yourself “Am I going about this the way I would want my boss to go about it for me?” Are you considering employees’ ideas as deeply as you would want your boss to consider yours? Are you giving the same scheduling flexibility you would want from your boss? Are you engaging in your employees’ work the way you would want your boss to engage with your work? 
• Before tackling a tough conversation, take a walk and think about how you would want the situation handled if roles were reversed. Spend time imagining something similar happening to you. Think about what feelings you would be feeling, decide how you would want to be treated in light of that. 
• Think about your boss’s shortcomings. Assume your employees think that you have the exact same shortcomings. When you have the thought, “I wish my boss would do more [blank],” do more [blank] yourself. (Apply this advice selectively. If you are an over-the-top bombastic personality with a stoic boss, you probably don’t need to be more bombastic with your employees.) 

As a final caveat, do not let yourself or others corrupt this rule. A smart aleck might say “I would want my manager to stay out of my business and just let me do my job” or “I would want my manager to let me take long lunches and ignore it when I come in late.” No, they don’t. That same person would certainly want a manager to intervene if a coworker did something that bothers them. They certainly want the manager to fix someone else’s performance problems. No one gets to apply this as a “just for me” rule.  

After reading this blog entry, I hope you will take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself, “What am I getting (or not getting) from my boss? Am I giving (or failing to give) the same thing to my employees?” This rule can be applied to virtually any managerial behavior. You can almost always improve upon any plan of action. Just take the time to consider it in the context: “am I handling this the way I would want it handled for me?”  

I’m Not Special: Management Rule #2

Actions to Take: Force yourself to consider others’ ideas for longer than a few minutes. When someone disagrees with you, train yourself to assume there is very good logic behind their argument, even if they can’t easily articulate it. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you are better than your employees. Hold your employees to the same standard you hold yourself. 

 

Today’s topic shines a light on an ugly part of management that we would all rather not acknowledge. The truth is, bosses often think they are better than their employees. Most would never come out and say it. Most would not even consciously think it. But it comes out in our actions, in the way we present our opinions and explain away others’ opinions. It comes out in how much consideration we give our own ideas versus how much we give ideas presented to us. This is natural human behavior, of course. It is just more obviously toxic when a boss does it. Let’s talk about how we managers are not quite as special as we think we are. 

Managers are set up for failure in a lot of ways. Perhaps the most covert trap of all is that we got promoted because of our past successes. We got the job, not our coworkers. There is a reason for that. We were especially good at our individual contributor work and showed an aptitude for further success. We must have worked better than others at our level. We are, generally speaking, more highly motivated and productive than the average employee. Otherwise, someone else would have been promoted instead of us. This is largely true, which is what makes it such a trap.  

Let’s assume you are managing people in a job you once held. You know the job extremely well. If you were a coworker instead of their manager, you’d likely be the smartest, get the most done, and know the details of the job better than anyone else. Most managers do not find themselves in this position. We generally supervise a variety of positions, and we rarely know the details of the work as well as the employees do. Nevertheless, let’s say you find yourself in this situation. Even if all of that is true, it is still not effective to think or act like you know best. 

If you know the job best, it makes sense for you to trust yourself over others. It makes sense to implement the ideas that you have and give less thought to your employees’ ideas. It makes sense to expect people to do the work the way you would do it, not the way they want to do it. Hopefully, you are already starting to see how this becomes a problem. 

Think about your boss for a moment. When you bring ideas to them, how do they respond? Do they act as though they know the situation better than you do, immediately giving you an answer that may or may not fit with your thinking? Or do they draw on your more intimate knowledge of the situation by asking questions, getting details, and considering your opinion as seriously as they consider their own? Try to think of real people from your work history who resemble those descriptions. Which person do you want to work for? 

The fact is, people want the boss who doesn’t act like they know better even if it's true that the boss knows better. Imagine that an employee comes to you with an idea for changing a process. You know immediately that it will not work. You had the same thought before, tried it out, and discovered half a dozen reasons why it simply cannot be implemented. You explain that it can’t be done and move along with your day. Now imagine that you have a great idea you want to present to your boss. You know that it has been tried before, but the situation is different now. You have spent a several hours here and there the past few weeks mulling it over. You think there is a good chance it can really improve processes. You tell your boss, and after less than 5 minutes of discussion, they have shot down your idea. 

This is the same scenario, presented on either side of the table. In both cases, the boss might be absolutely certain that the idea is not going to work out. Despite that, this is the wrong way to go about managing. In both scenarios, the manager is acting as if they are better (or at least know better) than their employees. 

Now, it is still the manager’s job to make effective decisions. You can’t agree to bad ideas just to spare someone’s feelings. My argument is that there is a way to make good decisions and treat your employees as equals. Here is how:

1. When an employee brings you an idea that won’t work, do not dismiss it out of hand. Instead, spend extra time hearing their thoughts. Make your own concerns clear. They might already have answers planned for those concerns. 
2. Challenge your own assumptions. You might know this idea did not work a few years ago. Can you be sure it will not work now? You might know best, but your employee knows different. Is it possible they have a perspective you have not considered yet?  
3. Mentally argue their case for them. You likely got a management position because you are an effective communicator. Your employee might be a great thinker but unable to fully articulate their idea. Play devil’s advocate against yourself. Push yourself to see their side. Argue for their case. 
4. When possible, avoid making a decision in the same meeting you first heard about the idea. Instead, give it a few days or a week. If you are one of the few, wonderful bosses who does weekly one-on-one meetings, note the topic for the following week. Waiting has a couple major benefits. The first is largely perception. When you make quick decisions, your employee can’t help but feel like you didn’t give it enough thought. The other major benefit is that you might actually think about it! Even if you do not change your mind, you will come to understand your employee’s perspective and be better equipped to explain the “no” in a way that they will accept.  
5. Whatever your decision, explain why. Show your employees that you give their opinions serious thought. The easiest way to do that is by coming up with a “why” that directly addresses their way of thinking.  

There are two other situations where the “better than” mentality rears its head. The first is when employees do things differently than you would. In itself, there is nothing wrong with that. There is also nothing wrong with providing suggestions for a better method. The problems occur when managers mix up “different method” and “better method.” Your method is better for you, there is no doubt about that. Before you go forcing your way onto your employees, make sure your way is better generally. Even then, it might not be worth the ill will. People like to have ownership of their work. One part of ownership is getting to make some choices about how the work is done. If your way is 2% better but it makes your employee 20% more resentful, that is not a good trade.  

Finally, managers act like they are better than their employees when they set weak performance expectations. Follow this rule: “If I would not expect my boss to put up with it from me, I should not put up with it from my direct reports.” It is an act of arrogance to hold yourself to a higher standard than your direct reports. I am not talking about specific job duties or abilities. I am not saying you should expect everyone to know Excel as well as you or have the same set of project planning skills. I am talking about core values and core competencies, the things we expect from everyone: professionalism, respect, accountability, and so on. When you don’t hold others to the same standard you hold yourself to, you are claiming that you are more effective, smarter, more aware, in some way better than them. You are saying, “I got this position because I am better, so of course I don’t come in late. I put up with my employees coming in late because they are not as good as me.” Remember that you are not special, and that cuts both ways. Say instead, “Of course I expect my employees to come in on time. I expect it of myself, and I would not expect my boss to put up with lateness from me.” Don’t be arrogant enough to give your direct reports a pass. 

Bosses are not special. Better bosses know this and show it in their actions. They give their employees’ opinions equal weight to their own, they appreciate different methods of getting the same task done, and they hold their employees to the same standards to which they hold themselves. 

Assume Positive Intent: Management Rule #1

Actions to take: Retrain your brain not to look for “why” in people’s actions. Actively stop yourself from spending mental energy on people’s motives. Focus instead on behaviors that need to change. When employees try to make it about “why” during feedback conversations, redirect. 

With everyone, but especially your employees, assume positive intent. You should assume that a person meant well with whatever they were doing. They do not mean harm, they are not intentionally avoiding work, or making mistakes, or being lazy, or being less effective. They are intending to do good. 

I believe there are lazy people. I have had lazy employees. But did they think they of themselves as lazy? Of course not. They were “working at a good pace” or “paying attention to detail” or “making sure to get it right.” I even believe that people sometimes have bad intent, that they are doing something malicious. Occasionally, you will get an employee who is working slowly on purpose. It happens. Far less frequently than we managers imagine, but it does happen. 

As hard as it is to accept, intent does not matter. It is irrelevant whether an employee is working slowly on purpose or not. I know that statement will ruffle some feathers. I didn’t like it the first time I heard it. We are wired to seek justice in the world, and that part of our brain hates the idea of ignoring someone’s intent. Motive is built into our laws—it informs how severe the punishment will be. How dare I propose that you ignore it when trying to address employee issues? 

I am telling you it doesn’t matter because focusing on intent just isn’t an effective way to manage people. When I say “focus on intent,” I am primarily referring to two behaviors that we tend to engage in: dwelling on your employee's motives and engaging in conversation about why your employee did what they did. We spend a lot of time and energy on these two activities. They don’t get the job done the way you think they would. There are a couple of reasons. 

First, the vast majority of the time, people are acting with good (or at the very least, benign) intent. Think about it: when is the last time you acted with malicious intent at work? Have you ever acted with malicious intent at work? I am guessing never, or very, very rarely in extreme circumstances. The same is true for your peers, superiors, and yes, your employees. Do not make the mistake of thinking you are morally superior to them.  

Second, no matter how much evidence you have, you can’t prove what is going on in someone else’s head. Let’s say you have someone who is actively trying to thwart the organization, truly acting with malicious intent. There are low odds you will ever actually run into this scenario. Still, let’s say it has happened, and it is obvious. What can you do with that information? Anyone who is willing to act against the organization is willing to lie about it. If you confront them, they will simply say you are wrong. One can even imagine them gaining the moral high ground in their denial: “I can’t believe you’d say that. I love this organization!” You have no leg to stand on. Any focus on why a person acted the way they did is an invitation to a long argument that you can’t win. It is a distraction from the real topic, which is to improve for the future. 

Third, we don’t manage thoughts. As the previous example just demonstrated, you will lose any argument about what is going on in someone else’s head—which is where motive lies. Also, it is foolish and frankly a little infantilizing to try to manage your employee’s thoughts (after all, is your boss any good at managing yours?). They are adults. They do not need you playing psychologist or helping them work out their issues to be a better human. What they need, what we all need out of our managers, is information on how to do the job more successfully. To accomplish that, we manage behaviors. Tell them what you need them to do and let them worry for themselves about how to be.  

Intent is irrelevant when it comes to changing a behavior, and that is a blessing. Forget about “why.” You don’t have to think about why someone did what they did. You don’t have to approach a problem in 10 different ways depending on a person’s motivation. You are free to have a much, much simpler conversation: this behavior is an issue; please work on improving it. If they do it again, you offer feedback again—on the behavior, not their motivations. An employee might plunge into all the reasons why they didn’t do the thing you needed them to do. That is fine. Be polite about it, but don’t engage in it. Say something vaguely agreeable and then restate your need for them to change the behavior. (Future posts will delve into exactly how to conduct these feedback conversations)  

As a special bonus, this will completely rattle employees who are indeed acting with ill intent. Their whole lives, they have successfully dodged responsibility by engaging in rhetoric and coming up with excuses. By assuming positive intent, you side-step their entire strategy. I say this cheerfully, positively, genuinely: “I do not care why it happened in the past. I am asking you to fix it for the future.”  

Stop asking why people are doing the things that they are doing. Assume that they meant well, regardless of the outcome. Say to yourself, “They did their best. It didn’t turn out as well as it could have,” and move on to fixing it for next time. I promise, your employees want to do well. Stamp out any thoughts that suggest otherwise.